Rosalie Young
Jan. 28, 2010
Story 1
If your commute was on Interstate 790 this morning, you may have been one of the 1000s of drivers that were detoured to Interstate 690, and you were probably late for work by as much as 3 hours. Interstate 790 was closed this morning in both directions.
At approximately 6:45 a. m., two semi trucks collided and that started a chain reaction that involved 14 cars and four tractor-trailer rigs.
Sgt. Albert Wei of our police department has confirmed that two automobile drivers were killed; four people received life-threatening injuries; and 16 more were taken to the hospital. The names have been withheld as the police department is still trying to verify who was in each vehicle.
Fire Chief Tony Sullivan, an 18 year fire department veteran, described the scene as one out of a war-zone movie with bodies lying alongside the road; blood-covered people sitting next to their cars; emergency workers dashing from vehicle to vehicle; enveloped with the whoosh of helicopter blades and sirens screaming. Firefighters had to cut the roofs off three cars to free drivers and passengers. The Life Flight helicopter from
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Wei remarked that this crash could have been much worse. A diesel-carrying rig was jockeyed by a gifted trucker as he was hit in the cab by a swerving car. He didn’t tip his load or lose any fuel as he eased to the side of the road.
The opening of Interstate 790 was still undetermined as of this writing. The investigation of the crash is ongoing.
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Not bad Rosalie. I would switch up that lead a bit though to fit a newspaper style lead though. I think it sounds a lot like a news broadcast. In my version of this story I simply stated that there was an accident causing two deaths to grab the readers attention. I think that is usually enough. You also took some liberty with numbers there. "1000s of drivers"
ReplyDeleteRosalie, there probably were "thousands of drivers", however Michael does have a point that the news should not be improvised. Other then that I say Bravo, I especially liked how you used semicolons in your third paragraph. And how you used many different descriptive words, which not only emphasized the intensity of your story, but it also made it a pleasure to read. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Angelina and I like that you used the semicolons. I do also like the big words and detail you used as well! Well said!
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